What can I say about this. 2013 was a really hard year personally for me. There were a lot of downs last year and it seemed that when things couldn’t get more down, boom. I felt like I was being kicked over and over.
I now know that since I’ve made it through the storm (most of the way), I have conquered quite a bit for myself and have been able to make strides in my relationship with myself that have made me a stronger person and therefor a better mother and wife.
In January of 2013, we moved back into our townhouse after we had decided not to build our dream home and put all of that on hold. I decided to stay at home and could really no longer work in a setting where it was non stop work because of my Fibromyalgia. I have always felt that I wanted to attribute my success by how successful I was in an office setting. I was good at my job before my health started to go downhill. I never had to be monitored or reminded to do something. I learned really fast on the computer and I excelled in everything I did, I really thought I’d go far. Unfortunately, that was not the case. My memory faded, my motor skills have continued to suffer, my physical abilities are unable to handle what they used to and I definitely do not have cognitive skills like I used to.
I did myself a favor and stayed home with my kids where I would be able to take some rests in between my duties. Later that month I got a call from my sister in law who was expecting. I was waiting for that call so I could grab her kids for when she went into labor. That’s when I heard her say the words that would forever change our lives. She said ‘the baby died’. I couldn’t believe it. After all we’ve been through as a family together, and then all I could do was cry.
The April before this, I had experienced my fourth pregnancy, my first miscarriage. I was only 5 weeks along and my levels were really low so I knew there was not a chance that the baby would hang on. It was at this moment that I realized that our children were due around the same time. It was also at this time that I had to come to the realization that I couldn’t and shouldn’t have any more children either. It was a hard realization. It was a real moment.
While we were waiting at the hospital for her family to arrive, I remember having a good long conversation with her. We talked a lot about our faith and how thankful we are for eternal families, but we also talked about how as mothers, we tend to blame ourselves over situations we cannot control, especially when it comes to our families. Some of my nieces and nephews did not understand the significance of that day and some of them did. It was hard for all of us. It is almost as any of us lost our own child. I still wonder what type of child he would be, what personality he would have, would he be a joker like his other brothers? Would he have that loud cry that the Fekitoa’s are so famous for? Would he be as huge as his oldest brother, that one I could almost guarantee!
I do know that that little boy, though he never took one single breath on earth, made such a large impact in our lives. I can’t wait for the day when I will see him again and be able to hold his sweet hands again. He was named after my Father in Law, ‘Eni, he was strong, noble, courageous and kind. There is no doubt in my mind that baby ‘Eni is the same. We have a lot of angels in heaven looking over us, for that I am grateful.
We decided this last week to go to the Kamas Fairy Rock Garden and make him a memorial. It’s another place that we can go to to remember him and take the time to think about all we are grateful for. It was something we’ll all remember forever, that I know.
Thanks so much for taking the time to learn a little bit more about my family. I’m so grateful I have this platform to be vocal about this. If I can help one family about a death of a child, it does good. It’s ok to smile, it’s ok to be happy and to remember good. You don’t ever have to forget that person, live in your loved ones legacy. Live for your lost ones purpose and you will be ok. Everything is how it’s supposed to be.